I AM BELL-END

The New York Daily News is reporting that religious vampire Tom Cruise has claimed another victim, and unsurprisingly it's wicky-wa-wa-Will Smith who has fallen under the spell of Scientology. Another star dogged by rumours of a gay past who has turned to the Scientology and is now seeking to recruit young, fresh flesh. What is going on? I wonder if John Travolta and Tom Cruise have noticed anything suspicious about this?

On the set of his latest movie, 'Hancock', Will dished out presents to the crew, as is the norm, when the filming wrapped. Cookies? Trombones? No, a card which can be redeemed at your local Dianetics store for a free 'personality test'. Which will tell you that they're all out to get you and that you'd best sign up pronto or else.

"Never mind that such tests are given by the Church anyway. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that - surprise! - Scientology can fix right up for you," reports the paper. Smith himself confirmed to Access Hollywood last month that Cruise had introduced him to the religion, but denied that he had made any conversion, merely stating that he was 'a student of world religion'.

Not any more, mate. You'll find your 'Bible' in the Sci-Fi section at Waterstone's, and the tragedy is, it's not even as convincing a philosophy of life as William Shatner's 'Tek Wars'. Now there's a religion I'd sign up for right away!