ONE DEBT IN YOUR LIFE

Let's face it, US firm Debt.com have got the domain name for cash desperate people sewn up, having registered the most obvious name on the planet. After their initial brilliance they have become swollen and arrogant, thinking that by offering Michael Jackson financial help that this will generate publicity for their... oh. Nice work! These guys are good!

Maybe they're offering to consolidate all his loans into one monthly repayment, so he can have one huge unpayable debt instead of several hundred unpayable debts?

Now, with all the sympathy of a bailiff in a Ken Loach film, Debt.com come riding to Michael's help with their fluffy words and laid-back attitude to debt repayment.

"This is something we've seen time and time again from celebrities too proud to stay within a reasonable budget," said Todd Cook of Debt.com, chewing a raw steak whilst sipping fresh blood from a human skull.

"But I think it's safe to say that Michael Jackson has set a new precedent for truly and irreversibly ruining his life, shattering previously held records by such hard-falling celebs as MC Hammer, Boy George and Vanilla Ice."

Fucking hell! Calm down! You make that fat idiot with a football off the 'Picture Loans' advert look almost reasonable. Almost. But no, the terrifying Todd isn't done there and to be frank he's scaring the shit out of me.

"Paying off the $23 million loan is the most crucial move at this point," said Cook, cleaning his lips with strips of human skin. "Michael Jackson needs to take a long, hard look at the 'Man in the Mirror' and accept that he needs more than just financial assistance. We are willing to hold his gloved hand and nurse him back to financial health in exchange for his endorsement."

Sounds like an offer that Jackson can't refuse, unless he wants to sleep with the fishes. Ah, from toddlers to tiddlers.