HE CAN'T CAREY ON LIKE THIS

Surely this story can't be true? Is it April 1st again? The National Enquirer is claiming that Nick Cannon, the man last seen walking down the aisle with Mariah Carey and promising he would love, honour and obey her bank account for as long as they both did stay together, is running out of money.

The problem is, he's too proud. He wants to pay his own way and treat Mariah in the style to which she is crazily accustomed. No Tesco Value toilet roll for this lady – it's the thick Andrex stuff with the puppies embossed in the paper for Mariah, and it all adds up.

"Nick's sensitive about being perceived as a kept man, so he's going out of his way to indulge Mariah with lavish gifts and expensive dinners."

Stop smirking – it might be true. It really might. Look, there's more.

"The bottom line is that he just doesn't have the kind of money she has. It's starting to stress him out."

Odd that, he doesn't seem too stressed in any of the pictures I've seen him in. In fact, I'd describe him as displaying one of the biggest shit-eating 'aww shucks!' grins that the world has ever witnessed. If it is true, Nick, and you're getting so stressed that you want out, can I be first choice substitute? Bagsy first go on that private yacht, helicopter and opulent lifestyle. You can keep the missus though.