IDEAL HOLMES? NO!

Charles Laughton, one of the greatest actors in history, only ever directed one film -  'The Night Of The Hunter'. Hopefully you've seen it. It features Robert Mitchum playing a mental and utterly terrifying preacher with tattoo-ed knuckles, attempting to track down and kill two children after murdering their mother. Though it is now regarded as an absolute classic it received mediocre reviews on its release in 1955, so the perfectionist Laughton vowed never to direct another film rather than face such criticism again.

Guy Ritchie is planning to direct another five films…

The man must have a Teflon heart and Styrofoam brain. Ritchie is already working on a Sherlock Holmes film, no doubt where the great detective comes up against some terrible working-class criminals called 'Bobby The Teeth' and 'Iron Lung Lucas'. Fuck it, you could just put some random terms into an Exel Spreadsheet and come up with better names for villains than Ritchie. Rusted Ferris-Wheel Dentures, anyone?

Ritchie plans to make more films, though whether the UK camel-hair coat making industry can cope with the demand is another matter. Or can Guy's brain cope with coming up with another five or six believable scenarios that don't feature people called 'Cruiser The Greek' or 'Tony The Quim'? Guy seems confident (though he appears to be already talking about himself in multiple personalities).

"It's my intention to be very busy over the next five years. I think we probably have five or six projects that we're pretty sure we're going to make. I kind of fancy myself at making films quite quickly."

Making films quickly. Always a mark of quality, isn't it? By the way, Charles Laughton played the part of Quasimodo in the 1939 film 'The Hunchback Of Notre Dame.' At least he just acted the part and never married the fucker.