KATIE HOLMES

WHO: Katie Holmes aka Kate Noelle Holmes WHEN: 18 December, 1978 WHERE: Toledo, Ohio, USA WHAT: Actress, beard HEIGHT: 5 ft 9 in KNOWN FOR: Being taller than her husband

Had Katie Holmes not become horse-faced, stack heel bothering midget Tom Cruise’s third wife, there would be practically nothing to say about the woman. She made her name in winsome teen drama Dawson’s Creek, playing the duller than a dead cow Joey Potter, and followed that with a film career of staggering awfulness.

A hollow-eyed empty shell of a woman, it’s perhaps not surprising that Tom Cruise chose her to be the third of his procession of wives. Not only could their wedding become another defence against the persistent rumours that Cruise likes nothing more than to get greased up and ‘wrestle’ with other men, but he could also impose his ridiculous faith in Scientology, the fabricated gibberings of a proven liar, upon her and their offspring.

The story of Cruise and Holmes’ romance and marriage is one so plainly played out to gain as much publicity for their respective careers that it’s painful, begging the question whether the only reason she hooked up with him in the first place was to give her career in a much needed leg-up.
Following Cruise’s excruciating appearance on Oprah Winfrey’s show, jumping about on her sofa like a tit, the dwarf proposed to Holmes while on a trip to Paris, at the top of the Eiffel Tower; the kind of cheesy attempt at a romantic gesture you would expect Keith from Accounts to come up with. That afternoon, rather than taking a trip down the Seine, visiting the Louvre, marvelling at the beauty of Versailles or even simply shagging like demented rabbits in their hotel room, they cemented their engagement by holding a press conference.

Showing all the class and restraint of two scratchers in search of a council flat, Holmes’ pregnancy was announced before the engagement. Their daughter Suri was born, according to the inevitable press release, exactly a year after the couple’s first date.

Following the assault on the twittering press that was the Cruise-Holmes baby pictures next came the wedding, held in an Italian castle. Within the vacuous celebrity scrum, the event was itself only really notable for three things; that David Beckham, like a naughty schoolboy, got sent home because he had to play football, that the couple’s visible height difference disappeared in the official pictures, and that the wedding itself was not legally binding.

Since getting married, Katie Holmes’ one role has been to try and recruit David and Victoria Beckham to Scientology. However, traipsing after the ever decreasing pout on a piece of fuse wire that is Posh Spice appears to have even bored Holmes into submission. How humiliating.