WHO: Britney Spears aka Britney Jean Spears WHEN: 2 December, 1981 WHEN: Kentwood, Louisiana, USA WHAT: Pop moppet turned sex kitten turned bald, chubby loon HEIGHT: 5 ft 4 in KNOWN FOR: Fuelling kiddy fiddlers’ schoolgirl fantasies, marrying a gypsy, having an ugly vagina, going mad

Pop music hadn’t seen quite such a flush of slutty schoolgirl activity since the ‘glory days’ of Bill Wyman, Jimmy Page and Gary Glitter until Britney Spears arrived on the scene.

Previously a member of the Mickey Mouse Club, where she performed the kind of dubious, precocious child dance routines only seen in the UK on Channel 4’s ill-advised Mini-Pops and in Ian Huntley’s darkest imaginings, Spears thrust her pubescent bosom in the world’s face with the anthem of wifebeaters everywhere, ‘…Baby One More Time.’

Having inspired inappropriate wank fantasies among the very people who would be least likely to buy her records, Spears promptly went on to meteoric success, caterwauling and mewling her way through numerous high energy hits designed to appeal to underage girls and cloth-eared gays. This audience no doubt shrieked itself into orgasm when Spears, performing at the MTV awards in 2003, snogged Madonna live on stage. Straight men the world over found this about as appetising as drinking a tramp’s three-week-old piss.

All the while Spears was shagging Justin Timberlake, the curiously lusted-after gonk with bad hair from ‘N Sync and another graduate from the Mickey Mouse Club school of irritating pop spawn. But, boo-hoo, they broke up. Probably because Spears had been waving her musical mimsy at other men.

Since then, Spears’ relationships have been comically disastrous. In January 2004 she wed childhood friend Jason Allen Alexander while in the middle of a bender in Las Vegas, the city where idiots go to lose money and marry. This marriage lasted for 55 hours which, although not the record for the brevity of a celebrity marriage, is still hilariously short.

Just nine months later she married Kevin Federline, possibly the lamest white man ever to attempt hip-hop since Morris Minor and the Majors. K-Fed became Fed-Ex just two and a half years later, at a cost of a mere $1million to Spears.

In the few months preceding her split from Federline, Spears ratcheted up more crazed celebrity behaviour than many people manage in a lifetime. Hitting the town with fellow pop tramps Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, she quickly followed their lead by stepping out without her knickers and flashing a vicious and battered-looking vagina to the world’s paparazzi. A less than 24-hour stay in rehab was followed by Spears shaving off her own hair, leaving her looking like Divine without the make-up.

To no one’s surprise a full month’s rehab followed.

BRITNEY SPEARS VIDEO:

Britney stoned and belching


Baldy Britney


Poor Britney crying