Do you remember the last time the miniscule mentalist Tom Cruise appeared on Oprah Winfrey's show? You know, the time when he leapt all over the sofa like a demented space monkey, bouncing those stack heels over all the cushions and screaming "I'm in LOOOOOOOOVE! WHOO!" You must remember?

Beyonce did get married earlier this month. Here're the documents. TMZ

A million perverts are envious of a scruffy dog getting close to Natalie Portman. WWTDD

Great magazine cover, because one bullet could finish them all. USAweekend

"You're doing it!" Penelope Cruz in a sex scene with Ben Kingsley. Sorry, SIR Ben Kingsley. Egotastic

Russell Brand forgot to take his nightie off. Dlisted

Ali Lohan is the hardest working teenager in the world. Celebwarship

Why not be a disgusting bastard and bid to buy Barack Obama's half-eaten breakfast. Mollygood

Mariah Carey was 'kidnapped in a golden cage'. And made untold millions from the event. ICYDK

Never thought I'd see this. It's Geri Halliwell talking utter patronising shit. Hollyscoop

Tom Cruise's adopted son to star in Will Smith film. Resistance is useless, Will. ASL

This is how Homer Simpson would look if he were a real human. Like a cartoon with no eyelids, then. Mollygood

Like father like son. Brooklyn and Romeo Beckham are delighted by a massive set of basketball tits. TMZ

Emma Watson forgot her 'Trim-alcio' spell. WWTDD

Carmen Electra turns 36, and doesn't she look delighted? Hollywoodrag

Scientology exposed. The full exposé of former member Jason Beghe, but under a very unfortunate title. Xenutv

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are still 'friendly'. Celebwarship

PETA using dumb animals to promote their cause again. Mollygood

Tom Cruise attempting to scale the upper slopes of Katie Holmes. SeriouslyOMG

Paris Hilton would like a double (shotgun) wedding. Defamer

Hooray for Madonna, as once again she proves that her thumb is nowhere near the pulse of the modern zeitgeist. Not content with continuing her musical career by gyrating around like a raggedy old scarecrow in a leotard (and making the nation get a little bit of sick come into its collective mouth) she has now decided to come out in support of Tom Cruise.

Odd this, but a video of actor Jason Beghe deriding Scientology has been removed from YouTube. The official explanation is that there is a dispute between the file hosting company and the videographer Mark Bunker.

What a different place the world would be if the casting directors of 'Edward Scissorhands' had gone with their first choice of actor for the role instead of the lovely Johnny Depp. Johnny is forthright on the fact that he was not the original choice, with the movie company wanting a more established star.

Samuel L Jackson tries to steal someone else's car. TMZ

Susan Sarandon and the Mitchell brothers out and about in New York. WWTDD

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes battle for custody of their robotic baby. Dlisted

David Hasselhoff back in the dating game and smooth as ever. NYDailynews

Marilyn Manson's girlfriend looks like… him, really. Celebwarship

Surely Jesus has better things to do with his time than this? Mollygood

Tom Hanks wants even more money. ICYDK

Kate Hudson believes the paparazzi will get bitten in their arses by a car mechanic, or something. Hollyscoop

'Tight at the back,' thinks David Beckham, missing the two big target men up front. Celebslam

Some idiot gave Tori Spelling another job. Will they ever learn? Popbytes

Marilyn Manson looks much scarier without the make-up. TMZ

Sienna Miller, doing what she does best. WWTDD

Amy Winehouse has a couple of little tots. Dlisted

Paula Abdul takes hair styling tips from Donald Trump. Hollywoodrag

Kate Beckinsale may be turning to the dark side. ASL

Elizabeth Taylor – still not dead. Celebwarship

Tom Cruise sick of the sight of Victoria Beckham. Join the club, mate. ICYDK

Britney is writing letters of apology. Probably in green crayon. Hollyscoop

How much did your favourite US star earn last year? Too much, that's how much. WWTDD

Amy Winehouse – addicted to ironing and now her hair fills an alcove. Dlisted

Vanilla Ice should face a prison term for this haircut. Celebwarship

Nelson Mandela is seriously considering going back to Riker's Island prison. Mollygood

When the biggest nutter on the planet avoids you it's time to give up. Hollyscoop

Wherever deodorant and rap meet, Janet Jackson will be in the middle. ASL

Cameron Diaz is prepared to stare at beavers and wrestle a tickly trout. CDL

An anecdote about Tom Cruise that was to feature in the autobiography of Macho Man, the cowboy from the Village People, has been axed after editors started shitting themselves about possible legal action from Cruise.