If we were Angelina Jolie, we'd run for cover. (We'd also probably strip and do naughty things to ourself, but that's a different matter.) US comedian Roseanne Barr has got the knives out for Angelina, and she looks hungry, but doesn't she always?

After spending millions of pounds on campaigning for the Presidency, John McCain and Barack Obama are still terrified that the one vote crucial to their campaign is yet to be accounted for. It's not the disenfranchised black vote in the South, nor the soldiers serving overseas. No, it's much more vital that that.

Hold the front page! Jordan has announced that she would like a film to be made about her life (good luck making that last for more than five minutes) and guess which actress she wants to play her (and even better is her suggestion for Peter)...

Congratulations to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for managing to wangle a huge $14m donation for their charitable organisation from People magazine, all for a few snaps of their new twins asleep. Well, the babies are only tiny after all, so they're unlikely to be doing anything interesting like tap dancing or fixing a boiler.

Well we've all thought it and good old Jon Voight appeared on TV in America to say it - when the hell did the blood wearing tattooed sex queen Angelina Jolie turn in to mumsy Mrs Doubtfire?

It may be that Angelina Jolie's twins were born under the star-sign 'Pyrex' as they are the result of IVF treatment. Surely not? Brad Pitt and Angelina, two of the most sexually potent people in the world having to resort to IVF? Little Shiloh seemed to pop along without problems, so why should it be that there are these rumours about the recently-born Knox and Vivienne?

Millionairess Penelope Cruz, currently dating Javier Bardem, would like you to feel sorry for her. ICYDK

50 Cent passes a drug test and can now see his son without supervision. TMZ

Katie Holmes wearing heels yet Tom Cruise is taller. What in the name of Xenu is going on? Justjared

Sam Ronson not helping dispel those lesbian rumours. WWTDD

Kirsten Dunst has the scent of a new man and will not be deterred. Dlisted

Claire Danes looking more like an emaciated Great Dane. Yeeeah

Wee Man from Jackass has bagged Mena Suvari. Celebwarship

Not everyone in Nice is as positive about the Joile-Pitts as the mayor. Mollygood

Selma Blair is either a massive tease or incredibly stupid when it comes to lesbians. ICYDK

Matthew McConaughey sets up his own record label. Hope he doesn't lose his shirt. Contactmusic

Is Katie Holmes uncomfortable or has her battery just run out of juice? Does not compute. Laineygossip

Sir Ben Kingsley does his best Jaffa impression. TMZ

Brad Pitt prepared to act like a bastard for Tarantino. Justjared

Orlando Bloom is single again. Dlisted

Is Nicole Kidman holding out for the highest baby bidder? Celebwarship

PETA are hilarious, and desperate for choosing Corey Feldman. Mollygood

Potato head and spaniel-eared breasts. Rumer Willis is irresistible. ICYDK

Utter idiots vote in movie poll. Again. Contactmusic

Angelina and Brad have a fascination with the letter 'X'. Hollyscoop

Imagine dumping Drew Barrymore and moving on to Kisten Dunst. The epitome of 'downward spiral'. Laineygossip

Cristiano Ronaldo's ex doesn't look like she's missing his dives in her box. Yeeeah

Heartiest congratulations go out to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who after a pregnancy lasting several years (and enough to make an elephant's gestation look hasty) have finally become the proud parents of twins (one of each sex) on Saturday.

J-Lo's restaurant finally goes tits up after six years. TMZ

Jane Seymour seems to have forgotten she isn't a qualified 'Medicine Woman' called 'Doctor Quinn'. Celebwarship

David Lee Roth literally speeding his nuts off. Dlisted

Has Madonna been flirting with Alex Rodriguez for six months? Mollygood

Kirsten Dunst tries to ignore Barack Obama biting her forearm. ICYDK

Dina Lohan fails to appreciate that whole 'Live by the sword' adage. Hollyscoop

Two reasons to avoid Estee Lauder products. Laineygossip

Miss Great Britain and Northern Ireland broaches the sectarian divide. Yeeeah

Here's Ali Lohan's first ever single, which sounds exactly like every song ever.