ANGELINA JOLIE

WHO: Angelina Jolie, aka Angelina Jolie Voight WHEN: 4 June, 1975 WHERE: Los Angeles, USA WHAT: Actress, serial adopter HEIGHT: 5 ft 8 in KNOWN FOR: Snogging her brother, wearing blood, collecting children.

Many a lad mag reading, acne covered, hormonal teen will have wanked himself to a fleshy pulp over pictures of balloon lipped Angelia Jolie, ignorant of the fact that at her heart is a spoilt spoddy goth child with an adolescent crush on a Star Trek’s Mr Spock and a baby collecting habit. Can you imagine how humiliating it must be to realise you’re enjoying a visit from Mother Palm and her five daughters with thoughts of a Trekkie in your head?

Having spent her teenage years tediously having purple hair, wearing black, hanging around on street corners and cutting herself, Jolie promptly flung herself into the family trade of acting. With much the same gusto as she showed in gaining roles, she also started shagging and marrying her leading men, collecting first wan-faced British pretty boy Johnny Lee Miller. At the wedding she wore a white T-shirt with his name written in blood on the back.
This poor omen for domestic bliss was proven accurate when they divorced and just a year later she got hitched to grizzled hick Billy Bob Thornton, though not before having been filmed playing tongue twister with her brother at the 2000 Oscars. Like a morbid goth moth returning to the flame, blood once again featured when Thornton and Jolie exchanged vials filled with each other’s corpuscles on chains, like a pair of cider and black addled teens obsessing over vampires in a suburban graveyard.

Following the collapse of the Thornton-Jolie mismatch, the poor man’s Elvira lezzed up for a few years before knocking off her current leading man, Brad Pitt, picking him up on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith and from under the nose of his wife, the haircut in search of a serious acting career that is Jennifer Aniston.

For the time being Jolie has stopped collecting husbands and switched to collecting kids, currently holding a neat four. These include Vietnamese and Cambodian children, which, if they are any attempt to make amends for US foreign policy in South East Asia, could only provoke another war. Joining the comically named Maddox and Pax, is Ethiopian child Zahara Marley, named in a patronising sop to her and Pitt’s fondness for marijuana.

More surprising than the adoptions is the fact that she and Pitt have managed to plop out one of their own. Less surprising is the fact that she chose to have the baby in Namibia, and gave the poor benighted child the begging-for-a-beating-in-the-playground name of Shiloh.

Some of the more ridiculous and pointless arms of the media described Shiloh as “the most anticipated baby since Jesus Christ,” which only goes to prove what a bunch of cunts they are. These are also the same morons who dubbed Jolie and Brad Pitt, after she’d successfully shagged him away from Aniston, “Brangelina”. What twats.