HAVING A MARE!

First of all, let us give a great big Holy Moly Happy Birthday to Jordan, who turned 30 today. Who'd have thought she was still that young! And as she's such a sprightly young thing, Katie still harbours some girlish fantasies – namely to become an Olympic horse rider. Although maybe someone should explain to her that she can't do it the same way she became a best-selling author – ie getting someone else to do it and simply putting her name on it...

Peter Andre has apparently bought her a "top quality" horse called Dana, although as Peter married Jordan we have to question what his definition of what top quality means. Should we expect mane extensions and a heavily reconstructed muzzle?

A friend told The Sun: "Katie loves training and riding her horses but wants to take it a step further."

We won't say anything about Jordan's experience of riding things...

"It's her dream to compete in a dressage competition at the Olympics."

Another source added: "Dana shows a lot of promise. This horse could take Jordan all the way."

Apart from the disturbing image of a horse 'taking' Jordan or going 'all the way' with her, we have to just be grateful that this comes after her breast reduction. With all that bouncing around it wouldn't have been a case of two black eyes so much as complete facial reconstructive surgery (again).