BANGING ON THE TELEPHONE

In what looks like a completely invented story, Star magazine is claiming that Britney Spears and ex-husband Kevin Federline are back on speaking terms. And a little bit more, because the pair regularly engage in frantic bouts of telephone sex with each other, despite the fact their bitter divorce is still crawling through the courts.

Quite how the magazine got the details of this story (short of hiding reporters in the wardrobes) is difficult to say, but it claims:

"Recently, when Britney was having a sleepless night, she decided to call Kevin at nearly 2am. While they initially chatted about their boys, the conversation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out: with hours of erotic talk!"

"Ooh, is your head all shaven?" "It sure is... Are you wearing that Von Dutch cap with the fried food stains?"

If I had the financial settlement that K-Fed has in place, I wouldn't be sitting at home and talking to my ex-wife, that's for sure. I'd be at the cinema with a massive bag of pick 'n' mix, and off bowling afterwards.

"They have phone sex often, at least once a week,” an insider tells Star.

"The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred.”

The thought of this pair rubbing themselves off like rutting farmyard animals isn't the most attractive, is it? It should be fun when they finally meet up in the custody courts, all those meaningful glances, stolen kisses and Kevin forlornly asking "Whut's custardy?"