BANTAM ON THE OPRAH

Do you remember the last time the miniscule mentalist Tom Cruise appeared on Oprah Winfrey's show? You know, the time when he leapt all over the sofa like a demented space monkey, bouncing those stack heels over all the cushions and screaming "I'm in LOOOOOOOOVE! WHOO!" You must remember?

It was just about the time that his career went tits up and he became a massive laughing stock? You know, when he declared his love for a hand-picked handmaiden all delivered with his customary smiling face and dead-eyed shark stare?

Well, Tom's going back to that comfy settee for another helping of bouncy madness, so let's hope Oprah has some waterproof cushions this time, because Tom will be more excited than ever.

The interview is likely to concentrate on the fact that it has been 25 years since Tom starred in 'Risky Business' where he played a young teenage earth male determined to discover the secret of sexual congress with a human woman. I'm still not sure if he's solved this particular puzzle in real life yet.

Which means it's a full quarter of a century that Tom has been polluting the screens of the earth with his constant shit-spreader of a CV. Twenty five years is a good innings, and if Tom's career falters (which is looking pretty likely) he can look back and consider that he gave it his best shot.

For a boy from a moisture farm on Tattooine he's done well, to make it all the way to Oprah's three-piece suite is a fair achievement, and hopefully next time he sullies the show he'll outdo his sofa jumping by stripping off his artificial skin to reveal the green scales beneath.