CAN'T BUY ME LOVE

Paris Hilton had a lovely time last week in Africa, where she tried to sell the idea of five -star hotels and luxury shoes to a population more worried about where their next meal was coming from. Actually, that's a joke. Paris isn't allowed near any genuinely poor people as it might fry her synapses and cause her face to swivel off revealing a great big mess of wires (and a slightly misaligned eye).

The New York Daily News is reporting that Paris was her usual statesman-like self during the African trip, full of insightful questions and opinions and not acting like a spoiled fuckwit heiress with nothing better to fill her days at all.

To be fair she stayed at the luxurious Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town, and fellow guests included the bands Korn and Kaiser Chiefs, so it wasn't all pleasure for the cosseted skeleton.

A 'source' at the hotel was watching Paris closely, despite the fact the 'source' might have been completely invented. They commented:

"Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park.”

You can just imagine Paris sitting underneath a shady tree asking, "Air over there is cool, is air for sale?" and "Sunlight make eye warm, me buy sunlight?" And as for the cheetah, the newspaper reports that she asked the plaintive question:

"If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"

Hard to say, Paris. If it had one iota of common sense, I'm guessing you'd be on your own... Otherwise, it'd be awful wouldn't it? The physically fastest animal on the planet owned by the mentally slowest.