BRITISH LESION

The staff at US website TMZ.com have pulled on their investigative boots and gone to some of America's leading dermatologists to ask – just what is up with Amy Winehouse's skin (apart from the fact she let Blake crawl all over it for so long?) The results make staggering reading. They haven't got a fucking clue between them.

'I dunno,' says doctor number one, who points out that there's so much make up covering the spots that it's impossible to tell what's under there. Fair enough. A manic-depressive clown wears less slap than Amy.

"I'm stumped," says doctor number two, "But it isn't caused by drug use, for then the lesions would be oval." How does he know what shape they are? See doctor number one's opinion, you fool.

"Ah!" cries doctor number three, "But if they were oval and she picked at them then they might change shape, so it may be drug use!" See what doctor number one said.

Finally, doctor number four appears, confident as anything, announcing that the spots could be a form of MRSA (and probably adding 'Can I have my money now?').

One piece of advice was consistent, best expressed by doctor Arnie Klein, dermatologist to the stars in Beverly Hills.

"Amy Winehouse should not be coming into close contact with other people while she has open sores."

In other words, stay the fuck away from her. Have these people nothing better to do?