STORM IN A D-CUP

Once again Jordan has demanded her (seemingly) monthly payment from OK! magazine in return for a few ill-thought-out and chattering non sequiturs. So what have the editors of the magazine got for their money this time? Well, she isn't so keen on Chantelle Houghton, the virtually-forgotten winner of 'Celebrity Big Brother'. Fair enough, who is? Oh, and Jordan thinks that big boobs are old fashioned, and she wouldn't be seen with them for the world.

Phew! Good job she had those implants whipped out and replaced with a smaller pair recently, because I personally would hate the thought that Jordan isn't considered to be on the cutting edge of fashion.

She certainly isn't so keen on Chantelle, who appears to be attempting to morph into the glamour model by means of various surgical procedures and a healthy all-over spraying of Cuprinol each morning.

"I saw some pictures of Chantelle in the papers and she looks exactly like I used to look - the eye make-up, everything." Everything? Even the dead-eyed determination to make money at all costs? Wow, that woman is committed to the downward spiral, isn't she?

"All I can say is there's only one Jordan and Jordan is not big-breasted - that's old. I've created something new again," she cried as lightning flickered across the sky and she cackled to the heavens. She's hardly made something new, merely going back to her breast size of about ten years ago. Staggering genius, I'm sure you'll agree. Look upon her works ye mighty, and despair.

"Big boobs are old and out of fashion now, smaller boobs are in." And if someone told Jordan that having a pair of knees grafted to her forehead would increase her earnings, she'd do it tomorrow.