PROUD OF A PEA-COCK

Jodie Marsh, a random collection of badly-assembled genes the colour of peperami is boasting about how brilliant her husband Matt Peacock is, and how they are very much in love, despite her initial misgivings.

The couple met on the tacky reality show 'Totally Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up The Aisle?', a clever pun intended to convey a hint of sodomy, with hilarious consequences. Jodie has confessed that originally she was against Matt's selection as he used to hang out of Jordan's mimsy, and, as we all know, Jordan is the mortal enemy of Marsh. Whereas Marsh is the mortal enemy of all humanity.

So, naturally, Jodie can't stress enough how happy she is with her man, hoping that Jordan will be annoyed. It's just like a psychological game of chess, isn't it? Except played by fuckwits.

"I didn't want to fall in love with one of her exes cos I don't want to be tied to her. It's like an annoying fly in my face, like a twinge of annoyance," she trumpeted through that smashed tomato of a nose, clearly annoyed. Then, as expected, she copied the unique Jordan brand of humour.

"When people mention her it's like, 'Oh, go away!' She probably regrets not hanging on to him for the size of his manhood alone!"

Yes! He's got a big cock, so he must be better!

Well, at least Jordan didn't just marry some bloke she met on a tacky TV show! Oh...