DAY 12: I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE

So the Swishy Chef gets the boot - and not a minute too soon! Those beady little eyes, that ra-ra-ra accent, his non-stop whittling, it was all too much for us. Next stop a turn on 'Ready Steady Cook' and a bus back to obscurity.

Meanwhile Cerys emerges as the new star of the show thanks to her ludicrous 'romance' with Gianni out of 'EastEnders'. It all seems like an elaborate ruse to us. That pesky Gianni and his bird off 'Doctors' have probably cooked it all up to get their mugs in OK! magazine.

Which leaves Cerys looking like a monkey with fake boobs and inflated lips. Anna
Ryder Richardson mused, "No one planned this, it just happened." Let's hope she's right. Despite her silly lips and home-wrecking antics, we still have a soft spot for Cerys from her days as Britpop's premiere lady pisshead. No one else in that camp has gone for a night out in London and woke up days later pissed in France.

Meanwhile, Janice Dickinson did some fake crying and her face looked like it would fall off. Come on, Jan, dry your eyes, call them all twats and yell about how you knew Julian Temple in the seventies. That's what you're there for. Maybe she was intimidated by Biggins's random catalogue of celebrity chums.

His social milieu includes Liberace, Danny La Rue, Prince Harry, Fergie, Princess Diana, Sarah Jessica Parker and Laura Bush. "He's got Joan Collins' number on speed dial"
sighed Jan, who so far hasn't treated the campers to the tale of the night she shagged Dolf Lundgren and Grace Jones. Get the Jackanory routine going, Jan - your crazy exploits will nab you that crown.