DAY 3: I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE

Snake Rock and Croc Creek had to brave the sushi train of pain to win a feast. As fantastic as it would have been to see Katie nosh down on various bush genitalia, the Great British public obviously realised this wasn't much of a trial for the rabid maneater and voted Janice to do it. She was up against John the chef.

Janice has a big gob, but sadly she doesn't like to fill it. As the choo choo went round with its carriages of hell, Janice gagged and screamed. She passed on locusts, cockroaches and fish eyes. John had probably served his customers worse and chowed down. When a crocodile cock chuffed up the rails, Janice screamed, "My name IS Janice Dickenson, but I will NOT eat croc dick!" Surely she's had those over-inflated lilo lips around much worse in her time? Our Jan swallowed some fish guts and John managed to chew croc cock. Both nearly passed out when Ant served up Dec's cock for the final platter, but John digested the witchetygrub. John was declared chief crap eater.

Camp Croc rejoiced but at Snake Rock, ratchet-faced grotbag Lynn told Janice she would have devoured anything put in front of her. No shit, Sherlock. If only someone had enough of an appetite to devour her and rid us of her constant fuckwittery. Where is Emu when you need him? Maybe sweaty human yeti Marc could grow a beak and some blue feathers and peck her to death?

As they were told the camps were merging, Lynn said she wouldn't be taking any shit. A narrow escape for Camp Crockers – imagine the horror of being faced with Lynn and her turds? It might even match the horror of watching Marc eat. As the trial-winning feast arrived in the form of a hog roast, Marc was in food orgasm. With great dollops of greasy pig fat dripping off his chin, he panted, "I want to thank all the pigs in the world." Marc, Lynn has more meat on her. Go for it.

As the two camps merged, Rodney got his first taste of Lynn cuckooery when she said she hoped that they could show the UK that men and women could live in harmony and as equals. Rodders looked disturbed. If only someone had started singing "There's somebody at the door" while Run DMC rushed in for a 'Walk this Way' rap-up with Janice doing air guitar and Emu pecking Lynn while spinning the decks in shell toes. Katie doing the Grave Danger trial tomorrow will have to do instead.