SEEYA!

What a shocker! For the ninth year running the first Big Brother evictee is a lady. Poor old Steph, she had to canoodle with sleazy Mario and what does she get for her troubles? Nothing! It's back to hanging out with Wags in Liverpool for this doomed stooge. Boo!

Producers banned the crowd from shouting "get Alex out" in an attempt to keep the crazy ranting nutjob in there for a few more weeks. Some shonky dealings with the nominations process, like they wheeled out for Charley last year, and we'll be stuck with this marauding mentalist until August. Shudder.

In other news we learned that rich ginger toffs like Rex shouldn't attempt beatboxing as it renders them absolutely effing ridiculous. On the brighter side Alex and Sylvia didn't rant about anyone "disrespecting" their knickers, fags or lighters. Hooray!

Mikey meanwhile mused a diet consisting solely of rice and chickpeas isn't all bad because "that's what the Vietnamese army ate and they beat the Americans." Not only is blind Mikey partial to wearing knickers but he also collects Nazi war memorabilia. Fact!

Will Alex go next week? The suspense! (Clue: don't hold your breath)