I WISH I'D GONE TO MAGALUF NOW

It's Big Brother 'heaven and hell' time. Yes! That old chestnut. It's exactly the same as Big Brother 3's 'rich side, poor side' week which was a snooze-inducing bore-fest. Hooray! Can't they just repeat BB5's stunt of spinning the housemates on a roundabout until they puke? Now that's entertainment.

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Reformed albino drug dealer Darnell showcased his flare for pomposity by declaring his victory in the Head of House election "one of the happiest moments of my life" and saying he felt like Barack Obama. He then sorted the 'heaven' from 'hell' housemates by calling out their full names. Calm down, Darnell. It's only Big Brother, nothing actually serious and important like Judge Judy. Still, we got to hear Darnell say "Mohammed Mohammed". Hahahaha! It's been over a month and that still cracks us up. Mohammed Mohammed. HA!

Boob Woman Becs wasn't happy when she realised she'd be living on porridge while the 'heavenly' housemates stuffed cake and wine down their gullets. "I wish I'd gone to Magaluf with the girls now. I could be lying on the floor pissed out of my head," she moaned.

Her big fat face contorted in fury as Mo, Kat and pals scoffed donut after donut. "I hope the salmon gives you salmonella," she spluttered. As Rex said a couple of weeks ago, she doesn't need to eat any more biscuits. The porker.

Meanwhile pecs-flashing dumb-ass Dale once again demonstrated his flare for the English language. Sniffing a bit of the 'hell' housemates' cake he declared "this cake smells like cunt". Oh Dale. Such a charmer.

Warning: Only splosh fans should tune into tonight's highlights show. Footage may contain glimpses of Boob Woman rubbing pate into her tits. Spew.