GET YOUR SNATCH OUT!

"Get your snatch out and get in the pool!" Charming PE teacher Dale, who announced in his intro video "If there's any fanny in there I'll nail it," woos the ladies again with his silver tongued smooth talk. Luckily he was addressing roly poly perm-head Rebecca who was more than happy to oblige. She got her clothes off – but kept her knickers on due to her "rash" – and did a belly flop. In bygone series it would have taken weeks to get to this point. Nowadays it's all fake marriages, feuding, blind-bashing and minge-rot before the first weekend's even over. That's progress!

The main event was Mario's sham marriage to Steph. He's wise to this game. Since Pete won BB7 thanks to his Tourette's syndrome Mario's nailed his colours to blind Mikey's mast. Painful! "He's disabled!" he hollered across the kitchen to his bride-to-be. Steph had distracted Mario from doing Mikey's toast which made her "a bigot who isn't worth marrying". A man of his convictions, Mario cancelled the wedding for an entire 41 minutes. Hmmm.

Alas, all their hard work was for nothing and the entire house correctly guessed the "secret couple" was Mario and Lisa in two seconds flat. The whole caper gave Alex the chance to go on an attention-seeking rant. Asked if anyone had objections to the wedding she stood up and rasped, "It's not a strong enough relationship to get married on UK TV." UK TV?! She claims to be an 'accounts executive' but she's obviously sitting on her arse all day at home watching Jeremy Kyle. His fans are the only people on earth who say, "I can't believe you done this on UK TV! National TV! I can't believe it innit!" We're wise to you, Alex! Where's her seven-year-old child though? Fending off comedy burglars with paint tins at home alongside Jennifer's baby? Where have these wannabes left their kids? In the cupboard under the stairs with a turkey twizzler to last them three months?

Alex gave Mikey a hug when Mario and Lisa's cover was blown. Don't be fooled, this feud is still on. Crazy Al has had an injunction taken out against her by a former pal she started harassing (nice background checks there, BB!) so Mikey better sleep with one ear open. Who knows when she may strike? An after-show stalking scenario could be on the cards. It'll be like the 'Hello' video but with Alex in the Lionel Richie role. The finale won't be a shot of a nice clay bust of Mr Richie's beautiful bonce but of Mikey's head on a spike. She'll shank you innit, Mikey. Leave the country before it's too late.


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