Day 6: June 5th

Just as birds twittering in the tress is the first sign of spring, the hushed whispers of G-list wannabes yakking about nominations in the astro-turf is the first sign that 'Big Brother' has properly got underway. A couple of deft edits, and producers get to pick and choose who is up for eviction when contestants break the cardinal 'no chatting about nominations' rule.

Peaches Geldof, who clearly has the mind of a Mata Hari, had a conversation about 'who we like the least' with ex Rentboy Hotline singer Ziggy with the clear intention of getting him to nominate snarling stripper Charly and Dannii Minogue drag tribute act Shabnam.

So, who gets the group in trouble? The aforementioned wonky-faced Robbie Williams stalker, Shabby. This is where the reality-warping antics start, readers. Go down this road and we'll end up with shrieking anorexic Nikki going in and out of the house as if attached to a bungee cable, just like she did last year.

Other highlights include Welsh corpse-lover Laura contemplating a conversion to Islam as the fasting will help her lose weight. Yes, and a burka is very slimming too, as Alison Moyet helpfully demonstrated in her 'Love Resurrection' video. Nicky has won a place in our hearts following her revelation that: "If someone does something I don't like they can fuck off." That's the secret of our success too, Nicky.

Finally, producers have decided to call that weird chequered hallway, which obviously hides access to a 'secret' room, 'the vestibule'. Steady on, how the flip are people on the official Channel 4 BB forum supposed to spell that? It's madness!