SLEEPER WITH ME

Woody Allen has denied that he sees Scarlett Johansson as his 'muse' so it must be sheer co-incidence that she has had major roles in his last three films. Perhaps he just likes her company, eh? It's not like he has a predilection for sex with much younger women, as his ex-step-daughter will confirm.

Poor Woody is now 71, and like a fine wine in reverse his work is getting more sour with age, though Scarlett keeps popping up in his films. Perhaps she truly thinks they are great films, or perhaps she doesn't want to let him down, like when you've promised your arthritic grandfather that you'll mow his lawn.

Allen still looks upon a previous former leading lady as the special one in his moviemaking career (back when he was good) rather than Johansson.

"I'm grateful when they call her my muse, but it isn't true. With Diane Keaton it was different. We made eight or nine movies together and had a special connection."

Yes, that special connection being that she allowed you to drag your scrawny, bony arse into her bed, which must have been like waking up to Tutankhamun without his mask on. As for Johansson:

"I like working with Scarlett."

Yes. And when she turns up for filming one cold winter morning and finds that the scene artistically requires her to simulate sex with a wizened old jazz-loving prune, he'll like it even more.