HOUSTON, I HAVE A PROBLEM

In the least surprising news this year, Bobby Brown's son Landon has revealed that Whitney Houston was not the greatest step-mother in the world. In fact, he tells the National Enquirer, growing up with the drug-addled star was a "nightmare". When he came to stay with the couple he was made to sleep in a separate guest-house and kept apart from Bobbi Kristina, his half sister. Poor lad, having to spend time around difficult millionaires.

Landon, who recently admitted dipping his wick in The Lohan in a club toilet, said: "Whitney and I never really got along. She didn't necessarily hate me, but she wouldn't really speak to me either. In Whitney's eyes, I was the stepchild."

Said the stepchild, not really appreciating that all stepmothers are genetically programmed to act this way with their inherited offspring (it's the same gene that makes one of every set of identical twins evil). Whitney may be many things, but she's clearly on the ball when it comes to saving money on staff costs.

"She decided to turn me into one of her security personnel. I was a teenager but I was walking around dressed up in all black with a security shirt and she'd have me work for her. I was just another one of her staff."

I don't know about you, but I think this is just fucking genius. Save a wad on home security and ensure that the unwanted stepchild is reluctant to return come the next school holidays. Brilliant. I hope she made him buy his own uniform too.