PUSH THE BUTTOCKS

Those poets think they're so great on the issue of love, but here's a man who can spin beautiful words out of the air itself, making the gods in heaven blush with the power of his romantic imagery...

Keats? See me after class. John Donne: must try harder. Shakespeare? Stick those sonnets up your arse. This is a masterclass on romantic talk delivered by none other than Dave Berry, professing his utter devotion to that shiny woman out of the Sugababes on the occasion of them buying a house together in Pimlico:

"Of all the things you can say about Heidi - and she's one of God's better people - I know how much she loves me. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me and she can see it in my eyes when I look at her. I think if you get that, you're winning. When you look in someone's eyes and know that they really do love you, there's no warmer or nicer feeling than that.

"And of course she's got a great arse, so it all works out quite nicely."