WEST(LIFE) WORLD

Westlife, the robotic, joyless quartet who make Kraftwerk look like 'Steps' are back, and this time they appear to have a newly-programmed sense of humour infecting their motherboards, stating that they would like Robbie Williams to join them on tour, though there's more chance of getting Nelson Mandela doing drum and bass as a warm-up act.

They still seem a little bitter about the defection of Brooooin, the scarecrow one who left the band for the chance of dancing down a yellow brick road.

This malfunction made the band so angry that they were recalled by their makers for the last few years, lest they go more 'Westworld' than 'Westlife' and begin to kill random members of their audience and stalk survivors around the corridors of the auditoruim.

Fret not, because the bugs have been ironed out, and the band are safer and funnier than ever, running on Windows Humor 3.0.

"Take That should have Brian back, and we'll have Robbie," said Nicky Byrne.

"If I was Take That I wouldn't want Robbie back. I think they're doing very well without him and Robbie's doing very well on his own."

Well, that's what he told Heart FM, before asking innocently why humans have eyes that leak water and finishing off the interview with, "What. Is. Love?"