CAN'T FIND ME NOW

A warrant was issued for the arrest of tortured artist Pete Doherty yesterday, after he failed to appear in court over charges of breaking the camera of a photographer foolish enough to try to take pictures of his gurning, pus-ridden visage. This was the second time the forgetful singer (who always used to be able to remember to take heroin, buy shit Jaguar cars and wear a dodgy hat) failed to turn up at the magistrates court, hence the issue of the warrant.

Please, God, let the warrant be old-fashioned US version – you know, the 'shoot on sight, wanted dead or alive' type.

Pete is accused of breaking a photographer's camera and causing £200 worth of damage to the equipment (probably whilst breathing on it) when the female paparazzo attempted to take a picture of the man who looks like he could sweat pure meat arm-in-arm with his ex-partner (and perhaps the most relieved woman in the world) Irina Lazareanu (pictured below).

A pretty boy like Pete banged up again (he's already spent seven weeks in Wormwood Scrubs this year, though the prison name sounds like something he would do in the bath)? Not that he's likely to get a prison term again, judging by his past lenient treatment. Even if he pulled the head off a swan, shat down the neck and posted it to the Queen he'd probably get a community rehabilitation order demanding he show disaffected youths how to look pasty and wan.

Why even issue a warrant? If the detectives are any good they can just follow the smell and self-indulgent whining of the man.