Victoria Beckham's Reality Show: Posh 'n' Dregs

Poor Victoria Beckham. Her ‘incredibly close friends’ are falling over themselves to scramble away from appearing on her increasingly-doomed reality show.

Latest defector is Katie Holmes, who has decided she would rather work on a train wreck of a film called ‘Mad Money’ (with the leading Hollywood lesbian Queen Latifah) than spend two seconds on Hi-Res video with her crazily-nippled British ‘best friend’.

The remaining producers on Posh’s show (i.e. the ones who haven’t had the dignity to pull the car into the garage, shut the door and leave the engine running) have come up with a masterful plan. Firstly, a professional actress to play the part of Victoria’s PA (and it’ll take on Oscar-winner to stop her punching the fucker), plus an older woman (experienced in the ways of showbiz and LA life) will be on hand to be filmed giving gratuitous sound bites and twittering away like a false-titted vulture.

Step forward, the hugely-talented Sharon Osbourne, whose own chat show was axed after a single season.

“Sharon could be a real fun foil for Posh to play off,” say the producers who, though haunted by nightmares, still manage to walk the earth.

Foil, sabre or eppe. Give them some weapons, put them head to head in mortal combat and we’d all be happy.

(Note to American producers. We British have found that a sure-fire winner to a series ending is to construct a huge wicker man and enclose the ‘stars’ within, before loading goats, chickens and rabbits, then dousing liberally with petrol. Guaranteed to increase ratings, or at least the apple harvest. Try it. Please).