LOOKS WHO'S STALKING NOW

A man accused of stalking Uma Thurman has won the first battle in what is likely to be a long, costly and brilliantly indiscreet trial. Jack Jordan (who is naturally a student who lives with his parents but tends to keep to himself) was originally charged with a felony offence, which, if found guilty, would lead to a major prison sentence.

The felony charge was brought by police after Jordan threatened to kill HIMSELF in an email to the large-featured actress. Not kill her, but himself. You can see where this is going, can't you?

The defence argued that threatening to kill oneself would be unlikely to have any major effect on Thurman. After all, if he went through with the threat, would she really be that bothered to be rid of the man who had broken into her movie set trailer and plagued her and her family with oddball emails?

The wise old judge accepted the argument that threatening to kill yourself "is not chargeable". That's fair enough. You'd have robbers trying to hold up banks with a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water otherwise.

Now Jordan faces only two misdemeanour charges, and to piss on Uma's chips (and wouldn't we all love to do that) even further he's out on bail and no doubt cracking his knuckles and firing up Outlook Express, ready to tell her that he forgives her and is ready to meet up at last. Isn't love wonderful?