RUNT FICTION

You've got to feel sorry for Uma Thurman, haven't you? All that money, lovely family and possessor of perhaps the finest stalker currently operating in the US. Maybe Uma has a new film out soon, because for no identifiable reason she has decided to use the world's press as a psychiatrist's couch and moan bitterly about what an ugly child she was.

"I had baby fat and a big nose, big lips and big eyes that looked like they were taped to the side of my head."

Wow. Form an orderly queue, gentlemen. To be fair, that's still quite a good description of her eyes now. Fair enough, she was unhappy with the way she… oh wait, she isn't done yet.

"I was tall, really young and I had a funny name. I had not grown into my features. I was just trying to make it from history to English class and still feel good."

My GOD! She was both tall and had a funny name? I didn't realise such suffering still occurred in the world. And with all this she had to do English AND history? Christ, she's suffered.

"I didn't feel doors were going to fly open for me for being cute, so I worked hard at everything."

Utter trouper. She has had to work hard at everything throughout her life, so let's hope she keeps that ethic and works hard at shutting the fuck up for a while.