Tom Sizemore-More-More

Tom Sizemore, star of a couple of war films and fuck all else, is single-handedly attempting to carry the banner of Oliver Reed and Richard Burton, having again been arrested for drug-fuelled nonsense.

In 2003 he was convicted of beating up Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss. When October 2004 rolled around he was finally convicted of whizzing his sizeable tits off on methamphetamine and attempting to deliver a false urine sample after attaching what is known as a 'Withnail' false penis attachment to his leathery old chap.

One of Tom's friend's was arrested at 7.30am recently for failing to check into a motel without fighting the man on the check-in desk, while numerous crack pipes spewed from his pockets. Police officers discovered Tom outside in a car with the engine idling and heroic supplies of naughty smokeables. And loads of crack pipes.

"He displayed symptoms of being under the influence," said Detective Greg Terry (clearly a master of understatement), as Tom slowly began to float into the air like a child's helium balloon, shaped like a tosser.