BLESS ME FATHER

Tom Cruise has insisted that he loves all of his kids equally, despite the fact that he was not present for the birth of the adopted ones and cannot therefore verify that they are not evil alien overlords sent to destroy us. But he still loves them.

Hmm, he still loves them but is rarely seen in public with them, unlike Suri, the wide-eyed toddler that he is currently never seen without. He truly never seems to let the little one out of his sight, as though she were some kind of sacred goddess reborn into the world from the ashes of an ancient civilisation. Or maybe she's just a bit clingy.

Cruise fixed Hello with an icy smile and declared,

"I wanted to be a father all my life. Truly, it makes no difference to me between my adopted children and Suri. I've never separated them in my thoughts - I just don't feel that way about it."

So they can all look forward to carrying on the family business. Soon they'll be getting measured for their space-robes, taught how to reverse the mother ship and be fully inducted into Tom's Church. And if they refuse, Tom can just break out the test tubes and whip up another batch.