Holmes and Kindergarten

Katie Holmes is less than pleased to learn from hubbie Tom Cruise that she is to start 'motherhood' classes later this month. Naturally, the lessons will be based on the ridiculous Scientology programme and its renowned insight into parenting skills, with classes on 'First Steps with Engrams' and 'Weaning the Inner Lizard', whatever the hell they are.

Holmes is pretty much surrounded by Scientologists now, as Cruise's entourage is entirely made up of members of the eye-rolling, jabbering cult. A sinister source revealed to US Weekly: "Everyone who works with Tom is technically minding Kate." In other words, should she utter one word out of line with the Scientology ethos, a syringe will appear and she'll wake up on a spaceship circling Thraxos.

Given that Holmes is on record as wanting to raise Suri (which I always thought was French for 'mouse') as a Catholic, one wonders what Faustian pact she must have struck with Cruise and his deluded Scientologist cohorts if she concedes to their ludicrous demands...