HUBBARD LOVE

Katie Holmes is in for an incredible treat this Valentine's Day, says Tom Cruise. Naturally, he's not spilling the beans about his plans, but they'll be special, you mark his words. Oh they'll be oh-so-special, because Tom has confessed that he will "never be down with love". You hear that, mortal men out there? Tom Cruise will NEVER BE DOWN WITH LOVE! Such pretty words, it's like Keats, Shelley and Donne all rolled into one with added intergalactic travel as a bonus.

So what will it be? A nice meal at that cosy Italian around the corner? A dozen red roses? A 15 hour lecture about the divisive and shameful modern mind-rape that is psychotherapy followed by a few hours strapped to an electronic machine (made in 1978) that shows how evil your electrical pulses are? Tom's being all coy and not letting on, though is is sounding like he's sofa-hopping on Oprah's furniture again.

"I have plans, and it will definitely be romantic. I'm going to keep the details to myself but it's going to be fun though! I will never be down with love. Ever. I'm the guy who loves relationships. I love women. I'm very much a romantic and an optimist."

Well, that's me convinced. He's very much in love, and shouting about it only convinces me more.

So if you find you've forgotten to buy anything for your partner this Valentine's Day and even a last minute rush to the petrol station for flowers has failed (with the result that you've turned up to meet your beloved clutching a Scotch egg, a jar of Marmite and some charcoal briquettes) just assure them that despite the appearances, you will NEVER BE DOWN WITH LOVE.

It's the most romantic sentence ever, and it's bound to work.