LOOK WHO'S STALKING

The trial of Jack Jordan, the man accused of stalking actress Uma Thurman began yesterday. Jack, a 37-year-old who lives with his parents, became obsessed with Thurman and spent hours lurking around her house and film sets, professing his love with some fine presents and proving that he's probably the best stalker in the world (apart from the whole getting caught thing, obviously).

Details emerged at the trial of presents he sent to the actress, such as a picture of the Statue of Liberty and his own driving licence (which perhaps shows he isn't quite 'Silence of the Lambs' standard yet). He also sent some lovely letters, which probably seemed quite reasonable to him at the time.

"I feel in love with you. I think you should call me up, let me watch you act on the set some more, we should date or move in together, and then get married."

Whoa, slow down there, fella! Let her call you up first, then reveal the rest of your fiendish master plan. Aww, it's quite sweet really, and not like he's ever done something like this before, or as one letter points out,

"I gave up describing the contents of my heart to famous women I don't know after Carol Channing broke my heart in the early nineties."

Brilliant! Uma's bound to fall for that whole 'a previous stalkee put me right off stalking for a while' line. Though I'm not too sure his lawyer George Volvomakis's heart is really in it, if his opening remarks are anything to go by.

"Creepy? Yes. Obsessed? Yes. Criminal? No!”

Great - just creepy and obsessed then. That's sure to impress the court.