OLSEN FUN

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE! The Olsen Twins (the US version of The Cheeky Girls but without the wit and sophistication) have been poisoned! Even now they may be retching, gagging and running for the toilet as fast as their stick-thin legs can carry them, because an unscrupulous barista at Starbucks put full fat milk into their coffees (without their knowledge) to fatten them up.

The barista (based at New York's West Village Starbucks) regularly took an order from the pair for lattes made with skimmed milk, but deciding the pair were too thin so he took matters into his own hands and regularly served the coffees with full fat milk, making them put on at least an extra millionth of a micron. Gasp! What would he do if he were really evil? Run past their drinks with some sugar?

If you're going to fatten the pair up, do it properly. At least half a cup of lard would be my addition. Having said that, I hope the barista in question gets sued from now until doomsday for poisoning the pair.

Starbucks may be considered evil for their creeping globalisation, but I don't care about that (even when they opened a new branch in my wardrobe). I just hate the fact that they hold up the cult of the barista. They haven't been trained for three years, they aren't special and they just make coffee when it all comes down to it. Now with the addition of an evil barista, the world is a sadder and more pretentious place.