TALKING SCALLOPS

Supermarket Waitrose has announced that sales of frozen scallops have rocketed up 600 percent since it was announced that Gordon Ramsay is planning to use them as an ingredient in tonight's live cookery show. The nation can follow Ramsay as he prepares a three-course meal live following publication of the recipes on the internet (whatever that is).

So, if you've absolutely fuck all else to do on a Friday night, why not join in and ensure that the nation's toilets are groaning on Saturday morning as hordes of amateur chefs poison their loved ones with undercooked seafood?

The 'Cookalong' is part of Channel 4's 'Big Food Fight' tranche, which has already shown an 'interesting' programme about chickens made by Hugh Fearnley-Terriblyposh and a terrible info-gramme by Jamie Oliver in which he appeared less attractive than a dissected corpse.

So, will you be hitting the supermarkets this afternoon to stock up on the ingredients for pan-roasted scallops with tomato and herb salsa, followed by steak and chips and chocolate mousse? Or are you one of those laughable idiots who 'has a life'?

I for one will be following the programme faithfully to the Ramsay Head Chef tradition, doing fuck all except sweating, removing my top and screaming "YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS! SORT IT OUT! WHERE'S YOUR BALLS?" at the television.

It's going to be a great night. See you on the other side. BBC1, to be specific.