The Hex Factor

So, farewell the MacDonald brothers.

Despite the fact that you left popular music bloodied and crying in the corner, you were nothing compared to Ray who LITERALLY raped music twice a week on national TV and shat in its mouth so much that sweetcorn and half-digested green peppers came out of its eyes. All to a soundtrack of light cocktail jazz.

The country has clearly lost the plot and I hope Ray actually wins so as to finally prove that X Factor has gone from 'mildly distracting TV' to 'symbol of the nation's collective nervous breakdown'.

This is how I see the next few weeks 'mapping out'.

• 16th December - Ray is voted the winner and the UK is thrown out of NATO as every county in the world trains its nuclear weapons on Wembley.
• 18th December - Ray's single (a Jive Bunny megamix of 'My Way', 'New York, New York', 'I Get A Kick Out Of You' and 'Unchained Medley') is released. It sells 45 million copies in the first hour and the Official Charts Company scraps the top 40 altogether and makes Ray number 1 forever.
• 19th December - The UK snaps in half and starts drifting off in different directions. The two new independent state are called RayLand and RayVille'.
• 20th December - War breaks out between RayLand and RayVille and people begin throwing themselves off beachheads into what is now called The Ray Channel.
• 21st December - Ray announces that he will tour RayLand and RayVille to promote unity. Both land masses start to move back together.
• 22nd December - The tour tickets go on sale and everyone buys 20 each to ensure a good view.
• 23rd December - Ray announces the support act for his tour - Steve Brookstein.
• 24th December - The country finally wakes up to the fact that it is in need of mass national therapy. That Greek woman who used to pitch up on Big Brother provides psychiatric help and, like Ceausescu, Ray is captured and executed on national TV (text KILL RAY to 80888), his little football head hammered into an ashtray by 52 millions pairs of fists.
• 25th December - Happy Christmas!