WHEN THE FOOL BECOMES A KING

Hooray! It's that day again when the country goes absolutely ker-azy for Children In Need! Brilliant! I'm typing this whilst lying in a bath of beans and being fellated by a poodle, but it's not wrong because I'm thinking about the children, you see. It's for charity.

So, for the next few hours you can smile through gritted teeth, forsake the pub (which will be full of twats dressed as Dracula or Vicky Pollard shaking buckets full of 2p pieces and demanding you have a good time) and ignore BBC1 until the sun rises and scorches the Earth with its cleansing rays.

And you can thank the Lord you're not one of these idiots that the BBC website is holding up for public admiration, as though they should get a medal for being a twat...

"A Led Zeppelin fan has paid £83,000 for two tickets to the rock band's reunion concert, as part of an auction for the BBC's Children in Need."

And there's more...

"Listeners also bid £250,000 to have Aled Jones and Katie Melua perform an intimate gig." For that sort of money I'd want the gig to be VERY intimate indeed, though if the rumours are true, Katie wouldn't be too interested.

I'm sure it's a wonderful fundraiser, but any programme that brings Lenny Henry back to the airwaves is inherently evil no matter how much it raises for good causes, and if I want to give to charity, I'll do it on my terms and not because some comedy-copying knob tells me to do so.

They say charity begins at home. That's where I'll be, and if you knock on my door dressed as a clown with a plastic rattling bucket of change, I'll set the cat on you.