Neighbours: Everybody Needs Greedy Bastards

The cast of Aussie soap 'Neighbours' has been rent in twain as each actor has been instructed to declare sides in what amounts to a civil war. Is this the end for Ramsay Street? Will Susan Kennedy be beheaded and Lou Carpenter elected Soapmaster General?

Actors from the Antipodean froth fest have long been contracted to make personal appearances at a a quiz night. To join in, fans pay the princely sum of AU$35 (approximately five shiny pence in real money). The present promoter, George Josevski, can still boast the support of Karl Kennedy and Janelle and Dylan Timmins from the show to support his frankly creepy event.

However, there's competition.

A rival company is running exactly the same type of night out for fans. It's run by Ryan Maloney. Yes, Ryan Maloney who plays 'Toadie', and who has the support of Paul Robinson, Carmella and Harold. Ryan is offering alternative quiz nights and meet the 'star' experiences, but at the much lower cost of AU$28 per event.

And daggers are drawn. Christ, could anything be more pathetic?