BRONSON LITER

Sylvester Stallone's mission to remake and ruin successful films of the past continues apace with the news that he has been invited to direct and act in a remake of 'Death Wish', news of which has led actor Charles Bronson to spin in his grave and director Michael Winner to narrow his eyes and eat too much at lunchtime.

Many in the industry assumed that Stallone would not be allowed anywhere near another remake after his stellar efforts in 'Get Carter', a 'reworking' so costly and terrible that it would have worked out cheaper for Stallone to simply buy every copy in the world of the Michael Caine original and take a shit on top of each one.

But following his successful franchise work on the Rocky and Rambo series, producers are nudging each other and daring the vocally-challenged actor to reprise the Bronson role, hopefully meaning the start of a whole new franchise with which to depress the world.

MGM Chief Operating Idiot Rick Sands said:

"We are looking at our library to determine which potential franchise properties make the most sense for us to produce, and 'Death Wish' was clearly one of those that jumped out." Hopefully like Rick from a high window any time soon.

But don't worry - it's going to be a classy affair. Already they've lined up Michael Ferris and John Brancato as screenwriters, the duo who wrote 'Terminator 3', and that's one franchise they certainly didn't fuck up. Oh no.