NUT'S DAUGHTER TO PLAY 'KNUT'?

Bunch of hypocrites, those Germans. First they don't want Tom Cruise filming in their country, now they want his daughter Suri to do a voiceover in a new film about Knut the orphan polar bear who lives in Berlin Zoo.

Knut is a big star, having been rejected by his mother at birth and then had his life threatened by animal rights activists who wanted to shoot him rather than have him brought up by humans.

Berlin Zoo have been offered $5m for the film rights to the story, and curator Heiner Klos has confirmed that the zoo is deciding when to accept and run off cackling to buy some crazy-looking monkeys. Movie producer Ash R Shah, a man clearly far from nodding distance with his own sanity, proudly proclaimed...

"I see the heartwarming relationship between Knut and his caretaker, Thomas Doerflein, at the centre of the movie... Suri could speak the English voice of Knut."

Sounds brilliant. Why not have Sean Bean as the oddly-Yorkshire-accented Doerflein and Jason Statham as an ice floe that bobs past occasionally, looking vacant.

One problem, though. Suri isn't two until April and her current nonsensical and clumsy verbal outpourings are only matched by her father when talking about his 'religion'.