ROY OF THE RAVING

An American man named Roy Smith has attempted to file charges against Sting, the Emperor of Smugness, claiming that he was promised royalties after suggesting themes for songs later recorded by the balding bore. Unfortunately, LA police have declined to bring charges against Sting as Smith is clearly utterly mental.

Roy claims that he was singing in a restaurant in 1978 (though it may have been 1979 – he's a bit fuzzy about the details) when Sting heard him and invited him out for a few drinks after his performance.

Thinking nothing of it, Roy happened to mention over a few pints that when his father died his mother used to write her dead husband messages and place them in a bottle. Sting appeared interested in this information, claims Roy, who then in passing spoke of the sad fact that his ex-girlfriend Roxanne had turned to prostitution to make ends meet, again much to Sting's interest.

Roy asserts that Sting saw some song potential in these ideas and promised him royalties if the songs were ever successful. Indeed, Roy says Sting did try to get in touch to pass money on. Sadly his mother answered the phone, and on hearing the words "Hi, this is Sting from 'The Police'" she decided to keep all the messages to herself, convinced that her son was about to be arrested.

Sadly, Roy has run out of time to sue Sting in the criminal court, having forgotten about the incident for 25 years, though he still has the option to look like a lunatic in the civil courts.

If Sting ever brings a song out called 'I'm a smug, self-satisfied, pompous twat in New York' then I'm next in line to sue.