GONNIE TYLER

As the worst jobs in the world go, being the vocal coach for the Spice Girls must be right up there with baling out the Titanic with a teacup. It's pointless, tiring and ultimately a huge waste of time and energy, so Zoe Tyler must be waking up this morning with a grin as she realises that her comments over the weekend mean that she can have a lovely lie-in and not bother about turning up for work.

"Geri can't sing live. She is shit but she knows she is. At least she is realistic," she damned with faint praise. Zoe then went on to say that at least Geri is trying to improve by practicing her vocals morning, noon and night, which is the equivalent of a toddler racing around and flapping his arms in preparation for the big day when he will take flight.

Then she revealed that actually it is Posh who has the worst voice, sounding like a biscuit tin falling down a flight of stone steps, but as she doesn't sing any solo spots, her zombie-like groaning tends to be hidden in the general noise. How depressing must it be to know that Mel B has a better singing voice than you?

No wonder Victoria looks so haughty and arrogant. She is the fifth best singer in the Spice Girls, after all!