AULD HAG'S WHINE

As if New Year's Eve wasn't depressing enough, the BBC has decided to make sure that The Samaritans has their busiest night for decades by screening a warts and all (literally) documentary on the Spice Girls on BBC1 at 7pm, ensuring that the nation's collective depression will drown out the chimes of Big Ben and meaning that the new year will begin with the countrywide mantra, "What is the point in going on? No, I mean, really, what is the point?"

Sigh. The title is rubbish for a start: 'Giving You Everything'. I can certainly imagine Mel B giving me plenty of things that penicillin wouldn't even begin to treat.

Anyway, Posh has revealed in a real bombshell moment (unfortunately not literally) that Mel B and Geri fight a lot whilst the dumpy little blonde one stands in the middle like an affable Weeble and tries to spread her infantile-minded innate 'niceness' to both warring parties, a little like sending Ben Fogle to Palestine to sort out the situation there armed only with his fleece and a nice flask of communal tea.

"They were both the really, really loud ones. They were incredibly vocal," says Posh, who at least gets to say the word 'vocal' if not perform it, "When they got on it was great, but when they didn't, it was a power struggle." Like something out of Jurassic park, perhaps.

"I think she [little friendly Emma, without a meaningful thought in her head] could slot right in the middle of the two of them quite comfortably. I wanted to be like that, but it just wasn't me, same as it wasn't Mel C. We were normally the bookends, me and Melanie."

Bit harsh towards bookends there, Victoria. They serve a useful purpose, sometimes.