LEAST SYMPATHY FOR A WHINGE EVER AWARD GOES TO...

What would you do to endear yourself to the public if they mainly knew you as a stuck up cow whose only claim to fame was that you bumped nasties with the loathsome Jude Law for a while? Well if you were Sienna Miller, you'd have a good old whinge about how caviar makes you fat. That'll get the masses rooting for you, Si! Not thumbing through the Yellow Pages for the nearest seller of guillotines...

Miller, 26, claims that boyfriend Rhys Ifans, 39 (who's got to realise that he needs to get a ring on her finger before she comes to her senses and gives him the boot soon), has turned her into a food junkie. And given her a huge arse. And we always thought he was the huge arse etc etc.

"It wobbles when I walk," she told The Mirror. "Seriously. I have a lardy arse. Some days I look in the mirror and go 'Yuk'."

Which can't have come as welcome news to the people at The Mirror... (who incidentally listed her boyfriend as Rhys Evan (who, according to Google, is a keeper for Millwall).

"Our lives revolve around food," she jabbered on. "We are both totally obsessed."

So it's food you're obsessed with, not yourselves in any way.

"We have this horrible addiction to caviar, which sounds ridiculous but it's true. We're junkies."

Darling, what a simply ghastly addiction! To The Priory at once!

If anyone's thinking about starting a French Revolution-style celebrity cull, knock on ours on your way out please...