HEART OF STONE

Remember that scene in 'Basic Instinct' where Sharon Stone lit a cigarette, uncrossed her legs and winked (with her third eye) at some detectives? Well, she's managed to go even better this time on the red carpet in Cannes by unfurling those pensioner legs and managing to ram both feet right into her mouth.

Why is she at Cannes anyway? The only (terrible) explanation is that someone has employed her as an actress again, meaning they managed to ignore the incredible phoned-in performance she gave in 'Basic Instinct 2', a level of acting that managed to bring to the world a new form of indestructible plastic.

In the resting time since that movie she has obviously been brushing up on politics, and when asked about the terrible humanitarian losses in the Chinese earthquake she was quick to display her new-found knowledge. Her first (and most basic) instinct was to recount a list of atrocities carried out by the Chinese government, before whining...

"All these earthquake and stuff happened and I thought, 'Is that karma?' When you are not nice that bad things happen to you."

Realising her mouth had run away with her she backtracked almost immediately. Which must be some consolation to the families of the estimated 60,000 dead, who after all never even got the chance to vote for the government that carried out human rights abuses in their name.

Nice one, Sharon. And those bloody Sri Lankans and their ongoing civil war - no wonder God sent that tsunami to purge them a few years ago, eh? The problem is, what retribution is God going to unleash on you for 'Sliver'?