MILLS AND LOON

Sharon Osbourne has warned Heather Mills that if she turns up at the BRIT awards tomorrow then she and husband Ozzy will throw the divorce-hungry gold-digger off the stage. It's OK, Sharon, there's no need to attempt to drum up publicity at this late stage! Most of the country will be watching to see if Ozzy totters off the stage all by himself anyway.

Sir Paul McCartney will be appearing and willing those eyebrows into the 'aloft' position for another evening, but Sharon is determined that the 'Knight of the Upright Thumbs' will not be upstaged by a gold-digging woman who successfully targeted, trapped and married a vulnerable rock star, because that's her trademark, after all.

"I would boot her off. I think she's a miserable old cow." Thus spoke Mrs Osbourne.

Wow, it must be like looking into a mirror that reflects happenings 30 years ago, eh Sharon? Ozzy also made his usual sensitive comments on the issue of Mills' attendance.

"The body of work he's got is just unbelievable. But I really don't want to be there if Heather shows up. Never mind McCartney having a go - I think the audience will string her up. Sharon and I have met them both on a few occasions but if Paul doesn't know her, I'm fucked if I do. She's fucking nuts."

Well, at least Sharon is only fucking one.