'NOT QUEEN' VICTORY

Samantha Janus certainly did NOT have a drug-fuelled lesbian sex orgy, and that's the truth because she has just won substantial damages from Sport Newspapers Limited who claimed this was the case.

Most people accept the Sport type of story as almost-mindless fun and think nothing of it. Not Samantha and her great pancake head (has she ever thought of using less blusher and perhaps not accentuating those anvil-style cheekbones?), who by her legal action has guaranteed that a story virtually no-one saw at publication has been blown up out of all proportion.

Samantha and her heart-shaped face (not shaped like a love heart but like the muscly organ) can currently be seen in 'Eastenders' behind the solid oak bar of the Queen Vic pub, though her acting suggests she is growing out of the bar rather than working behind it.

The article published in July suggested that Janus and her boyfriend had sex with another woman and the newspaper group have agreed to pay undisclosed costs after the actress was left "deeply hurt and embarrassed".

If she's devastated after a story like this then she must have been suicidal after her Eurovision disaster in 1991 (she came joint tenth with 'Message To Your Heart') which caused such pain to the nation that it's a wonder she's not still paying off the damages claim now.