FOREST GRUMP

Russell Crowe is the surprising choice to play the Sheriff of Nottingham in a new version of the Robin Hood legend, directed by his old pal Ridley Scott. Despite being more suited to take on the role of Friar Tuck these days, Crowe will play the pantomime villain part, no doubt forsaking his sword for a load of phones, which he can chuck at the heads of the Merry Men.

And who better to play the sweet, virginal Maid Marion than Sienna Miller, who declared that this was "the most exciting news in the world"? Perhaps for you, love.

The film will be titled 'Nottingham' though rest assured it will be set in the distant past rather than showing some drunks fighting on Slab Square on a Saturday night and students pouring washing up liquid into the fountain.

No news yet on who will play Robin himself, though hopefully Kevin Costner can wheel out his three expressions again and treat us to another two hours of monotone whining. Well, the only thing that could make the casting any worse would be Little John being played by the actual Richard Littlejohn and Jason Statham playing the mighty oak that they shelter under each night.